The Fellatio Files
by Chibi-Perv
Summary: A no good psychologist evaluates the mental state of Konoha ninjas, via journal entries. What he found was a village of sexually repressed ninjas who didn't give two flying cow patties about their jobs. Naru/Sasu, Shiki/Neji, Kaka/Iru.


**Disclaimer:**The Treasurer of Man Sex, Secretary of Yaoi, and CEO of "Internal Affairs" do not own the sexy two-dimensional characters that are not seen but are read in this fanfiction of Naruto (Shippuuden…maybe…who knows). The Secretary says it doesn't fucking matter though. The CEO concurs. The treasurer just woke up. As long as there's hot, sweaty man-sex: who cares?! Yaaaay…

Fellatio Files

Day 00

So journal,

So this psychiatrist came into my town-yes bitches, it's _my_ town- and has the balls to tell me to my face that my ninjas have some issues. They're ninjas; they kill and protect rich assholes. Do you know how hard it is trying to keep someone you want to decapitate and use their head for a sake cup alive? Well…I don't really know 'cause that's not my job, but I would imagine it is a hard thing to do; Much like saying no to free sake. Mmm…free sake…back on track, ninjas are supposed to have issues. They get over it by A) covering it up and pretending said issues don't exist, (examples of this are Gai's dramatic emotions or my alcoholism), Or B) being eccentric/socially retarded (i.e. see Kakashi, Neji and Sasuke for examples but don't tell them I said that they might flip and come after me). So like I was saying, issues are normal and never hurt anyone. I had to deal with it…I think. To tell you the truth I can't really remember much of my life. Most of my memories start with a sake bottle in my hand and…come to think of it, they end with a sake bottle in my hand too. I should try to fix that because seriously, last time I saw Sasuke in the village (yes, the asshole is back, totally lost that bet) I could have sworn he was kissing Naruto. Maybe I'll go to that meeting Hiashi was telling me about. I think it was called AA. I'll try that and hope that I can deal with my issues.

I still think this won't work,

Tsunade

P.S: psych, good luck with the nut cases.

* * *

Day 1

Hn, this is stupid.

~Sasuke

* * *

Day 1

Dear Noble Paper,

I do not understand why I have never had this idea myself! I have been conflicted of late, and it seems like destiny has shone through with this magnificent idea of writing down my feelings. Because contradictory to most people's beliefs, I feel a great deal. And lately I have had feelings of great affection towards my fellow ninja Shikimaru. I find that he is one of the only ones who can hold a candle to my intelligence, and I find him to be visually appealing…very visually appealing. I have decided to tell him how I feel. It makes the most logical sense after all.

I am the best,

Hyuuga Neji

* * *

Day 1

Dear diary,

I think this is a fabulous idea because, well, you see…no one fucking understands what the hell I have to go through every god damn day! Those little monsters I have to teach! I should be a fuckin' ANBU because of the stress I have to deal with! Fuck! I just want to scream! I'm going to go fucking bankrupt because of all the ramen I buy Naruto, not to mention I haven't had sex since that bitch Mizuki…God he knew what I wanted. But no, he has to leave! Is it so hard to get laid in this town?! You're the only one I can talk to.

Love,

Iruka

* * *

Day 1.5

Dear noble paper,

I have failed. I got to his house and looked up at his window…and instantly activated my Byaakugan and undressed him with my eyes…literally…

Still the best,

Neji

* * *

Day 289

Greetings and Salutations,

At this point in my life, I believe the thing that would make me the happiest would be if I was able to make sushi out of my air headed, loud spoken, idiot of a partner Kisame. And don't even get me started on my indecisive little brother, for the love of everything holy he should just make out with the kyuubi brat. Really, it would do marvels for his temperament. Sex calms everyone down. Unfortunately, then it would be up to me to restore my clan. Because obviously men cannot reproduce…no matter how many times we try. But this is a burden I am willing to take on.

I am the real prince of darkness,

Itachi Uchiha

* * *

Day 1

This is so troublesome, Tsunade's lucky I'm willing to participate in this ridiculous idea. I could be watching the clouds right now. Well, I _am_ outside, but I'm thinking instead of writing. How bothersome. Anyway, I could have sworn someone was watching me today while I was lazing in my room. Thinking on it, I can only deduce that either I'm growing paranoid, or the watcher was a ninja of quite high caliber as I was unable to pinpoint their location. Am I slipping? No, it can't be. It must have been someone very adept at what they do. But the only ones on my level in this village are Sasuke and…no, it can't be. Hyuuga? My wishes may be causing my reasoning to be skewed. If it were the Hyuuga, I can only be happy. He's been in my thoughts for quite a while. Anyway, that's beside the point. Yes, I admit the Hyuuga has been on my mind for far too long. He makes me…excited. He makes me want to stop lying about and actually do something. I want to slide my hand up his long, strong legs. Grip his flowing hair into my fist and kiss those supple lips, push into him and claim him as mine…anyway, I've gone too far. I need to stop.

Wishing for clouds,

Shikamaru Nara

* * *

Day 3

I'm going to come right now and say I don't like you; or this stupid idea. If I had it my way, what I thought would stay in my head and not be put on some stupid piece of paper that could easily be stolen. I mean-we live in a village of _ninjas_, this could get taken when I'm out training and I'd be fucked. So fuck you psychiatrist for forcing me to waste training time by writing about "feelings" that could get stolen and used against me! Wow, I've never written something that emotional. Okay, let's be honest here, how is writing down the angst, turmoil, and over all multitude of emotions I feel going to help my mental health? I'm a genius. Genius' don't need psychiatrists to tell them why they're fucked-genius' _know_. And I'm pretty sure every idiot-Naruto included- knows why I'm such an emotionless bastard. My brother murdered my entire clan, and women chase me all day when it's only too obvious that I'm gay. I mean, Ino has a nice ass, if I wanted it, I totally would _not _be a virgin right now. The only thing you'd be good for, journal of mine, would be for stating fires. But Tsunade-sama (I wish I could be like Naruto and call her an old hag right now) said I had to, so fine. Wait, did I just admit to wishing to be like the dobe? Shit…listen, I know you can't talk paper, but if you let this information leak, you _will_ be introduced to the shredding abilities of my kunai, understand?!...tch, this is stupid. I'm done.

I still don't trust you, paper!

Sasuke

* * *

Day 1

Yo,

I was making my way though Konoha today, completely immersed in my riveting Icha Icha novel. I had just gotten to the part where the protagonist started sliding his hand along the heroin's milky thigh when I noticed Iruka sitting in a restaurant scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. Remembering what Tsunade told me about journals, I figured that's what he was doing. So, being the stealthy ex-ANBU I am, I wandered over and took a peak at what the hot Chuunin was writing. Hmmm….so he hasn't gotten laid for a while, huh? I can fix that. These Icha Icha novels aren't for nothing you know!

Knowing I rock,

HK

* * *

Day 8

My youthful diary!!!!!

I have a confession. I hate the color green! It conflicts my youthful spirit everyday! But Gai-sensei!!! Gai-sensei with his youthful presence and kind heart gave me this…this horribly green suit! How am I ever to attract the love of dear Sakura when I look like a walking pickle! But I will endure! It will be a test, a challenge that will help me overcome adversity! I will win!

Ever victorious,

Lee

* * *

Day 2,

Dear Diary,

Lately I have been feeling like someone has been watching me. It's very disconcerting. But I fucking swear if it's that bitch Kakashi I will show him who's boss!

Love,

Iruka

* * *

Day 26

Dear Diary,

So for some reason, I've found myself strangely attracted to Rock Lee…and I'm having this irresistible craving for pickles…maybe It's time to take him up on his proposition. Sasuke is a lost cause, seeing as he's fucking Naruto.

Hugs and kisses,

Sakura

* * *

Day 3

My noble paper,

Reflecting on my actions of late, I can only surmise that I am extremely lucky the Nara hasn't spotted me yet. I've been watching him every chance I get, but it's never enough. Today my destiny was finally realized. I was watching the Nara on the roof, perched on the branch of a very old and rickety tree, when he suddenly tensed as if he realized my existence. I held my breath but he quickly relaxed again. I remember letting out a very uncharacteristic sigh of relief that turned into an unbecoming choke as Shikamaru proceeded to slowly strip himself of his jounin vest, his flimsy fishnet shirt becoming the only thing between my eyes and his silky skin. Bending down to, I can only assume, crack his back, I bit back an un-noble moan as a rather revealing strip of skin beckoned to my long fingers. How I wanted to grab that tight, succulent ass and pound the Nara into the roof. Or maybe…have him pound _me_ into the roof.

Either way, I was clenching the branch so tight I'm amazed it didn't snap. But then, fate caused Shikamaru to look up and smirk right at me. I saw his lips move, knew he was talking, but all I head was the pounding of my heart ringing loud in my ears. And all I felt was the rushing of my blood to my face and…well…you know, noble paper. But I _am_ a Hyuuga, so I was able to surmise that the sexy Nara wanted me. And I mean _wanted_ me. So long, noble journal! Fate, and the Nara's sexy…endowments…are calling.

Always the best (and the man),

Neji Hyuuga

* * *

Day 1

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up and had miso ramen, believe it! I walked to the bridge where Sakura and that teme were, believe it! Kakashi was late, believe it! We trained and I totally had the upper hand but then that teme cheated, believe it! Then I had miso pork ramen for lunch, believe it! Hung out with Konohamaru, I am so going to be Hokage, believe it! Then I convinced Iruka to treat me to ramen, believe it! And then went home to sleep, believe it!

Who am I kidding; you are just a piece of paper. It's not like you will call me names, stomp on my feelings, or judge me. I bet that distrustful teme would be suspicious even of a piece of paper. I should just drop the fucking façade right here and now.

So the psych told me to lay our all my issues. So here they are. Everyone hates me and the man that I am in love with is as emotional as tree bark. It's sad that the only emotions he has is for "avenging" his clan, bitch please we all know he just wants a hug from his brother. Who can compete with a brother complex, it's taken me 17 years to even get him to look at me let alone acknowledge me…but even though he is emotionally challenged I just can't seem to get him off my mind which is a good and bad thing. Good in that I can't hear most of the insults these ignorant villagers throw at me. Bad in that I had to spend 5 years following his hot, sexy, perky, supple ass all over the place just to make sure he was okay. And he thinks I'm the idiot, he thought that Orochimaru was telling the truth when he said he just wanted Sasuke's body. Oh shit, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Any who, after writing all this down I realized that Sasuke, yes I actually like calling him by his name, does not understand the art of innuendos or flirting for that matter. So I will have to take matters into my own hands, lips and maybe libido.

Wish me luck,

Naruto Uzamaki

* * *

Day 3

To whatever, I guess,

I discovered the identity of my recent stalker. Lying on the roof, watching the clouds go by, I was disrupted by the feeling of eyes boring into me. After a few minutes, I noticed the sexy, ever so hot Hyuuga perched on a rather rickety looking tree, looking at me intently. His byakugan wasn't activated, but I could see he was undressing me with his eyes. Deciding to make things more interesting, I promptly stood up and stretched, easing off my jounin vest. His eyes widened. I won't lie- my heart was pounding. It was highly unlikely that Neji would ever feel for me, and to see him starting so intently at me almost felt unreal. Playing nonchalance, I bent down to "crack my back," coming back up with a small groan. I didn't need the Hyuuga's power to see the rather large…affect I had on him. He bit his lower lip. By this point, I'm just amazed that he hasn't fallen off the tree yet. Finally, feeling as if I would burst if I didn't say anything, I called out to him. "Hyuuga," I said, "if you like what you see, why don't you come and get it?"…I don't think he quite heard what I said, but since he's coming my way, I'd say he definitely got the gist of it. I'm so happy! I'm going to sleep with Neji, and damn if I'm not more than ready to have him scream my name. Next time we meet journal, I will be a very satisfied Nara!

Totally ready for action,

Shikimaru

* * *

Day 1,568

Hello Mr. Sandman,

My siblings brought me a treat. Yea I know the leaf ninjas were ordered to write a journal and I'm not a leaf ninja, but I was doing this WAY before those posers. I find it helps me sleep and get all my pent up emotions out. It is actually really hard to keep up an emotionless façade, especially with siblings like mine. Which brings me to today's conversation.

Temari and Kankuro took me to the beach! It was so fun. I made a zillion sand castles that were awesome. There was one of Naruto's town, Naruto's school, Naruto's apartment complex and the beast's castle from Beauty and the Beast. That movie just speaks to me. I made more awesome ones but those were the ones Temari liked enough not to blow away. She is never scared to be honest with me which is why she is still alive…and then Kankuro let me surf on one of his puppets while Temari made waves with her fan. They are so loving. Then we had a picnic on the beach by these people who were playing volleyball. We totally kicked their asses and I didn't even have to threaten them. Gosh today was so great! I wish everyday was beach day!

Now Mr. Sandman I know what you are thinking; I live in the desert so it's like beach day every day, but you're wrong… oh shit someone is coming. I have to put on my mean-asshole-mother-fuckin-badass-I'm-going-to-kill-you-face now so I'll talk to you later.

Sincerely yours,

Gaara of the Sand

* * *

Day 2

Dear Journal,

So last night I said I was going to tell Sasuke that I love him and want to ravish him every night and day and maybe do a little groping during tea time. What? I have to make up for 17 years of pent up sexual frustration.

So the plan goes like this… after practice when he is all hot, sweaty, and disoriented, I'll lead him to a dark secluded alley. That way it is not to romantic, so he won't freak out, and secluded enough for no one to see me get rejected. I'm not going to give into false pretences. Then, I will ravage the hot mouth that he taunts me with everyday thoroughly. Then maybe he will get through his thick head (hehehe…) that I like him and the reason why I always spar with him is not just to get stronger but to…well you know what I want to do tee hee hee.

Wish me luck,

Naruto

* * *

Day 6

My Noble Paper,

It's been days since Shikamaru let me out of the bedroom. I am tired, sore, and extremely pleased. I do not deny the pain, something most people do not associate with a Hyuuga, but fate meant for me to bottom. That and the usefulness my hair proves to be for Shikamaru to use as…well…

Now I know why the Nara is so lazy; all the energy seems to be stored for special occasions, and I was deemed worthy to get the full brunt of it. He was wild, sexy… and very controlling. I feel as if I am the most smug Hyuuga in existence. I no longer need the main branch's acceptance to feel full, I now have Shikamaru to take that job…speaking of full, I won't deny I am getting very aroused just thinking about him moving above me…Oh God, I hear him coming. So long noble paper, I am off to become an even more sore yet ravished Hyuuga!

Smug and satisfied,

Neji Hyuuga

* * *

Day 5

Dear diary,

…Earlier today I had and encounter with Kakashi Hatake that was not derived from the most noble of intentions. Meaning that twat molested me under my fucking desk! While I had a class to teach! At least now I know what that dirty mouth of his can really do…I mean it was despicable…But really fuckin hot.

At first I noticed that annoying presence that I have been feeling lately, but ignored it once again, because I was had a class to teach and I'm a GOD DAMN professional! But as soon as I sat down I knew there was someone under my desk. I looked down into the smiling, mask free, face of none other than Kakashi Hatake grinning like the fucking cat that caught the fucking canary. Little did I know he wanted to catch something completely different. But I could not lose face in front of my class, so I gave him a swift kick and ignored him up until he unzipped my pants with his fuckin teeth! I thought about calling a recess, but I could not let him know he was getting to me, despite his hotness and knowledge of his skills, I mean have you seen him form hand signs? A man that good with his hands should not be put to waste, But! My class! I have to keep my reputation of a hard ass up! But oh god then he started to put those skilled hands to work. I almost fucking jumped out of my chair when he took my little Iruka into his mouth. That would have been bad considering all the parent teacher conferences that would ensue from the little shits that I call my class seeing my erect pleasure pole. So when he decided to deep throat me and I accidently let out an embarrassing moan, I "calmly" told my brats there were ants in the class room which were detrimental to the health of growing ninjas and let them out early. When all the kids cleared out Kakashi made some bitchy comment about "taking long enough" to which I promptly told him he could be doing better things with that mouth of his other than smarting off to the teacher.

I'm so getting laid tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy and Horney,

Iruka

* * *

Day 6

Journal,

If you were a living, breathing entity, you might ask me where I've been. Well, I've been up a dark tunnel and parked in a prostate. Neji's to be exact. I finally understand why I've been saving up all this energy- it came in handy when keeping the Hyuuga in my bed for the last three days. I've learned that he loves being nibbled at the sensitive part right underneath his ear, and really squirms when I moan while wrapping my tongue sensuously around his large…endowment. His hair makes for great reins and I rode his sweet ass until he begged. God it's so fucking hot to own a Hyuuga. Journal, when Neji comes his face squinches up into a cute pout and he gives a breathy moan. Holy crap. Wow, I'm getting really….I've never felt to urge to _do _something in years. Fuck, I'm off to find Neji again. So long journal, I'm going to be too busy to write in you again!

Finally inspired to action,

Shikamaru

* * *

Day 976,851,293

Dear Mr. Jackson,

The new boys Kabuto has been bringing me aren't…enticing me. Kimimaru tries his best, but I swear if Kimimaru stabs me one more time with one of his bones he is going to find himself missing a femur! I do the "bone stabbing" around here! But lately Mr. Jackson, I find only one person frolicking through my dreams of late. He has midnight black tresses and deep ebony eyes. The type of eyes that smolder with secret promises and elicit desires. Desires that only my long, moist tongue can satisfy. Oh how I would love to put him in one of my special harem outfits and fondle him to my wicked (and slightly feminine) heart's content. Yes I want the littlest Uchiha. Now Mr. Jackson! I will come up with the perfect ploy to get him! Uchiha's are always attracted to money and power, and I have both! And they know it! Then I will take him to my own personal, "Neverland". Kufufu! Now if only I can get his brother to come as well. Can you say Uchihacest? Cause I sure can!

You must be this short to ride,

The ninja formerly known as Orochimaru

* * *

Day 6

Yo,

I am the master. I don't know why my sexy scared teacher is still a Chunin, he has a lot of stamina. But that is besides the wonderful point that I fucked Iruka Unimo. And it was awesome! Stalking him has totally paid off! You see, there was an incident in his classroom where I was rummaging through his desk when small children started to come in. So, like the genius ninja I am, I hid under the desk. Iruka quickly joined me. But while I was under the desk, he was sitting at his chair, giving me the most wonderful view. He kicked me but I took that as encouragement. So I did what any sensible ninja in my place would do. I gave him a blow job. It only made sense. He was remarkably stiff, no pun intended, and refused to acknowledge me, but after a swallow he dismissed the brats. He then decided to go all teacher on me, which was kinda hot. After coming out from under the desk I decided that this teacher needed to loosen up. So I bent him over the desk and removed my pants. A scene from Icha Icha passed through my brain, but acting out a scene was so much better then reading it. Desk sex was surprisingly satisfying even though I think we broke a drawer. But like I said earlier he has remarkable stamina. He practically demanded that we go back to my place. So I obliged, happily.

Iruka has a surprisingly dirty mouth. Maybe that is why he was scribbling so fiercely in that journal of his. Not that it matters because from here on I will consider it my duty as a Konoha ninja to keep the Chuunin teacher blissfully happy and sexually satisfied.

I am a sex god,

Kakashi

* * *

Day 5

I was ordered by Tsunade-sama to give you a name. A name, you worthless, backstabbing piece of crap! Well, she wants a name, I'll give her one.

Dobe,

Yes, I'm choosing to name you after dead-last. Why might you ask? Well, even though Naruto is a moron, he is still someone I'll secretly admit to admiring. Not for his lack of skills, obvious deficient mental health, and obnoxious behavior, but because he can keep going no matter what…I'm still far superior, mind you. So, dobe, want to hear what your counterpart did today? We were done training ("we" consisting of the pink-haired menace, usuratonkatchi, and myself) and decided to get lunch. Dumb baka wanted ramen...again. Of course, I can't say "no" to him, and Sakura will follow me everywhere, so Ichiraku's it was. We were heading down the street, and I kept wondering why the dobe was twitching so much and acting very suspicious. As we passed a rather convenient looking alleyway, the blonde baka stopped and shifted a bit before yelling in his obnoxious voice, "Oi, Sasuke! I hear a cat! A cat, believe it!" Damn him and his 'believe it's! I digress. So, tugging on my arm and being all around _annoying_, I finally gave in and ditched Sakura to go check it out. We got a bit ways in before I got fed up with Naruto's immature behavior. "Dobe," I said, "there is no cat in here, and if there were, who cares? I'm hungry, I'm going home". Naruto scowled at me before mumbling something obscene and pushed me against the wall, warm lips pressing against mine…dobe, if you _dare_ tell anyone what I'm about to tell you, I _will_ start a fire using you. Naruto is…an adequate kisser I suppose. Maybe he used his tongue to slip drugs in my mouth or something, because the next couple minutes were hazy. Eventually I overcame the affects of the drugs I'm sure Naruto slipped me and pushed back aggressively, aiming to take charge of the rather steamy make-out session. Unfortunately for the klutzy ninja, he wasn't skilled enough to dodge the garbage cans behind him and tripped, but not before dragging me down with him. At that point, adequate kisser or not, it was war with the moron. I hauled him up onto my lap and proceeded to ravish his mouth. Stupid dobe wouldn't just let it be though, and decided he wanted to be difficult by pushing me over. We tumbled around on the ground before rolling into this random homeless guy who, shocked awake by our struggles, leapt up and smacked a ladder lying innocently against a wall. Okay, this is where it gets weird. For no reason, the dobe suddenly punches me. Me. Sasuke! The male whose mouth he had been previously trying to shove his tongue into! And to top it all off, the ladder decided to slam into the back of my head, forcing me to head butt the loser in front of me. From then on we stopped trying to kiss each other and went for the throat. I suppose it got a little intense, because Kakashi had to come separate us. Dobe, let's just say you're extremely lucky that I like you. And that you're decent at kissing. Wait a minute; I feel the dobe's chakra coming my way. Okay, before he gets here, I'm going to end this. Can't let him know I'm actually writing in this. Heh, I feel nice, I think I'll let the moron into my bed tonight. After all, I'm not stupid: I know how to get what I want. And I've wanted Naruto for a while.

About to get laid (Naruto is _so_ subbing),

Sasuke Uchiha

* * *

Day 1

Dear Prostate,

You might be wondering why I named you after a piece of equipment in the male anatomy. It's easy. I was told one could find pleasure in writing in a journal and I had read that some men find pleasure in their prostates. It is something that I look forward to researching in more depth. And thinking of men who find pleasure some places in their body rather than their penis, I saw the penis-less wonder today. That would be Naruto. Well Prostate I saw the penis-less wonder and that Sasuke femme boy making out in an ally. So I decided to stay and watch. I figured the Uchiha, despite him being more on the feminine pretty side, would be more of the attacker than the attackee, so I was pleasantly surprised when Naruto pushed the Uchiha in to the wall and kiss him with much vigor. After what seemed to be the Uchiha's shock went away they continued to go back and forth in this manner. One would think that they would be more focused on the act of kissing each other than the foolish illusion of dominance. But what happened next was unusual even compared to the books I read. It seemed to be a series of clumsy acts perpetuated by Naruto's stupidity and Sasuke's clumsiness. They seemed to navigate themselves in to some trashcans which made them both fall on to the ground. This in turn woke up the poor homeless man that was sleeping in the ally, who jumped up in surprise and hit a ladder. A ladder that started to fall on the pretty princesses' head, but Naruto, in his idiocy, it seemed tried to hit it away. One cannot be sure with him. All I know is that Kakashi came up to me soon after Naruto punched Sasuke. After a small greeting we made a quick wager on who would actually end up on top. I put 10 ryo on Sasuke because how can Naruto possibly top when he is so ill equipped? When their make out session turned in to a brawl and Kakashi left to break them up, I lost interest. On to more important things, like how this mid drift makes me look hot and my ass looks great in these pants. Maybe I'll go get a tan.

Wishing everyone great orgasms,

Sai

* * *

Day 5

Dear journal,

So you remember that plan I came up with? Well it didn't go so well. Let's just say that the ravishing of his mouth turned into an all out brawl. Let's start out at the beginning, shall we?

Once upon a time on a bright sunny day there were two young teens who had a dream. That dream was to become stronger and to prove to each other that they were worth a damn. After one particular invigorating workout of manliness and skillful precision of their trade, the two teens decided to accompany each other to lunch. That's right, they both wanted to go. It wasn't like the blond one had to yell, scream, beg, or even blackmail the other sexy dark haired teen into having lunch with him. Getting back to the story, on their journey to their destination the blond Adonis heard something that sounded like a stray cat in the nearby ally way. Apparently the dark haired narcissist had a weak spot for cats and wanted to rescue the poor creature. The blond Adonis was gracious enough to accompany the narcissist into the dark convenient looking alleyway, seeing as the pink haired medusa that the Adonis realized was trailing them was too scared to enter the ally way, fucking pussy.

Upon entering the dark dank ally, the narcissist seemed to gravitate towards the warm light radiating from the blond Adonis as they started their search for the stray cat. After 5 minutes of searching behind trashcans, homeless people, and a ladder, the narcissist decided that he was too scared to continue with their search. However, the blond Adonis was the narcissist's most precious person and the narcissist did not want to look weak and undeserving within the eyes of his God and thus came up with a lie. "Dobe there is no cat in here and if there was, who cares? I'm hungry, I'm going home". Ah, the brave soul he was. The blond Adonis however saw through this lie for what it was: a cry for help and comfort. And who was the Blond Adonis to deny the narcissist? "Shut the fuck up…" the blond Adonis whispered just before he engorged himself upon the narcissist's issues via mouth to mouth. Apparently all those years of practicing his kissing technique on his pillow every day since he first set eyes upon the dark haired youth on the edge of the docks that one faithful day many years ago helped the blond Adonis out a lot at the moment. So much so that he could confidently say that he blew the narcissist's mind.

After a minute of pure heaven, it seemed that the narcissist had gotten too carried away and eagerly pushed the Adonis into the garbage cans across the alley way. Now, the Adonis could not say that he hated the narcissist's attempts to grind his way into the Adonis' body. However, the garbage can was poking him a little too hard in the back. Trying to give the other teen a hint by way of shoving his body into the narcissist's and away from the discomfort, the two ended up upon the ground and across the alley way and into a homeless man in a not so fairy tale perfect way. The unsuspecting homeless man sleeping under a ladder woke up with a fright, knocking the ladder down upon the precious narcissist's head hovering above the protective Adonis; who tried to block the impending blow with his fist. Somehow the good intentions of the Adonis was reciprocated with a head butt and an almost brawl if it wasn't for the teens' perverted sensei stepping in. A couple hours after the scuffle the Adonis, who was done letting the dark haired narcissist brood, approached the narcissist's house in an attempt to kiss and make up. THE END

Nice tale huh? I thought so too. But what's better is that that actually happened, you better fuckin believe it.

Sasuke's ass is so mine,

Naruto.

* * *

Final Report Concerning the Emotional Stability of Konoha Ninjas

After reviewing all submitted journals, I have come to the professional conclusion that all Konoha ninjas are fucking insane. They are people more concerned about their own personal gratification then their ninja duties. These ninjas find no need to express their turmoil over assassinations or other ninja jobs as long as they seem get laid at the end of the day. This has to be the most sexed up, stress free village that I have ever evaluated. Therefore, attached to this report is my request for transfer to the Konoha hospital. All is well in this fine village.

Thank you.

The Psychologist


End file.
